


the months before i split (it's turbulent)

by fvckingangelic



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Break Up, Cheating, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Everyone Is Gay, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Not Happy, Post-Break Up, Suicide, Verbal Abuse, Violence, actually they both deserve better ngl, and geoff deserved better, awsten is kind of a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:42:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24193765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fvckingangelic/pseuds/fvckingangelic
Summary: "Look at what happened last time we were together. Look me in the eyes and tell me that wasn't the worst shit you've ever experienced.""It was also the best thing I've ever experienced."-in which geoff is horrible at getting over people and awsten is horrible at keeping relationships together.
Relationships: Awsten Knight/Geoff Wigington
Comments: 12
Kudos: 11





	1. we need to talk

You should really really really really not get back together with your ex-boyfriend.

And Geoff Wigington knows this as an absolute fact. It's been proven over and over again in teen romance books (not that he actually enjoys those cliche plots, it's just for research, he swears). However he's never really been one to trust in facts and scientifically proven theories, ever since that incident in fourth grade.

For the record, he had deserved that science fair award and the teacher just didn't know truly brilliant experimentation when she saw it.

Now, he sits alone in his apartment with a cracked iPhone in his lap, studying the screen. It's open to his gallery, hundreds of pictures of him and Awsten together that he could never bring himself to delete. It's been six months now and they still sit here, taking his precious storage up. But every time his fingertip hovers over the trashcan icon he can't bring himself to do it.

Instead, he closes his gallery, opening his messages instead. The last one is from his mom, a week ago. She'd asked him what brand of soup he would recommend, because they were out of her favorite kind at the grocery store.

The only conversations in his life are about Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup. Geoff's life has reached a brand-new level of fucking pathetic.

Awsten's name is a few spaces down. The last text is from a few days before they had broken up.

💖💖 Awsten 💖💖: LOVE YOUUUUUUUU

No, he still hasn't changed Awsten's contact name.

He couldn't bring himself to do it. What would he have even put? Just "Awsten" was much too simple to really convey what they are and had been. But Geoff isn't the kind of person to be a dick and put something like "My Asshole Ex" or "👿 F U C K Y O U".

He ends up changing the emojis to a simple green heart. It's an improvement.

He knows deep down that he needs to delete everything. It would be best for his mental health to just wipe his entire life clean of the green-haired boy. Make a clean slate. He can start over again. But in all honesty, he can't wipe his mind clean, as much as he would kill to do so. The memories of them still spin around his brain and it makes him sick with how much he misses Awsten.

Everything around him just reminds him of them, and it hurts, God it won't stop fucking hurting. Sometimes at night he'll lie awake and dig his fingers into his skull, praying to a God that he doesn't believe in so that he'll stop being hopelessly fucking in love with Awsten. And his wishes are never granted and it keeps haunting him.

Not all ghosts are strictly nocturnal.

The main poltergeist haunting him is just a culmination of everything that occurred that night.

If he closes his eyes and concentrates hard enough, he can still feel the pressure of Awsten's hands. Shoving him, bruising him, marking him with scars only visible on the inside. Even after they faded back to his normal skin tone and he couldn't pick them out anymore, he felt it.

The ghosts of fists haunted him.

And he still felt the blood on his own.

There were good parts of their relationship too, of course. After all, it had been the best relationship Geoff had ever had in his life. Which was much more depressing when you took note of the fact that this was the only romantic relationship Geoff had ever experienced.

He imagined it was a spectacular one though. In his mind it deserved a spot among Twilight and Divergent and every other romance teenagers were obsessed with nowadays. Actually, it deserved the spot above Twilight, because Awsten was clearly so much more attractive than Edward Cullen. And Geoff wasn't an annoying white girl, which was always a plus.

He scrolls back to Awsten's name in the messages app. Before he's fully comprehended what he's typed out, his thumb lands on the Send button. After a second, it goes through.

Geoff: can we talk


	2. in bloom

Awsten Knight's ex-boyfriend is the last thing on his mind at the moment. Why would he be thinking about Geoff, when all that shit happened six months ago? He has better things to occupy his mind. Such as Ciara, who is now figuratively wrapped around his fingers. And literally wrapped around his body.

She's blonde and confident. Unlike Geoff.

So he has absolutely nothing to worry about, because he's moved on. He's on to better things than a relationship that was consistently falling apart. He's healed himself. And he refuses to let himself fall to pieces again.

Ciara brushes a hand over his shoulder. "Hey. What are you thinking about?" Her lips are pursed, a glossy pink color.

"Nothing," He mutters. "Only you."

Just as he's starting to relax into her touch, his phone vibrates in his pocket. He slides it out and unlocks it, expecting maybe a text from Travis or Jawn.

Geoff: can we talk

Awsten's eyes catch on the contact name and his shoulders brace on instinct, as if the message is a physical punch to his stomach. It sure feels that way. He tilts the screen away, out of Ciara's vision.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Nothin'. Just a friend." His voice is quieter than usual and he stares at the text. Why now? Of every opportunity Geoff has had to text him, why now, when he's finally over it?

He could've done it months ago, when Awsten was still crying at the mention of his name. Or right after that night had happened. They could have apologized and made up and Awsten wouldn't have a stranger in his bed right now. It'd just be him and Geoff.

Like it always should have been.

He starts to type a response but stops himself. What the fuck do you say when your ex tries to hit you up at 11:36 p.m. on a Tuesday night?

Awsten: Why?

The texting bubble pops up almost instantaneously and Awsten sets the phone down on his nightstand to wait. As soon as he sets it down, Ciara is reaching for his hand, trying to intertwine it with her own. He pulls his hand away and she blinks, surprised.

"I think you should go. It's late." He pushes his hair back, trying to hide his flustered expression. Now that Geoff is on his mind, he can't function like normal. Ciara protests, but he promises to call her tomorrow. If he remembers. By the time she's walked out the door, there's a text waiting on his phone.

Geoff: just. i wanna talk.

Awsten groans. That's not a fucking answer. Geoff never was good at getting straight to the point of things. He'd usually had to coax him to spit it out, after spending hours tiptoeing around the edges of the issue. He presses the Call button.

It rings, and he's almost terrified Geoff won't pick up. If it was Awsten, he probably wouldn't. But this is Geoff, and he's the one that started the conversation.

He finally picks up. "What?" His shaky voice cuts through the shitty quality of Awsten's cell service. It wouldn't matter if they were speaking through walkie-talkies from a goddamn vending machine in the middle of a sandstorm. Awsten would still be able to pick apart his voice from the billions of other people inhabiting the earth.

"Why the fuck do you want to talk?" He says, and he can almost hear Geoff flinch on the other end.

"I"m a mess, Awsten. I'm a goddamn mess."

"Not my fault." And there he goes being a dick. "What do you expect me to do?"

On the other end, Geoff is biting his fingernails. "Can we just meet up somewhere?"

"Sure. Why not?" Awsten relents, trying to be kind.

"Oh- Okay-" Geoff is taken aback by how easily Awsten gives in. "Can I come over?"

"It's almost midnight, Geoff. Tomorrow."

Geoff tries to laugh, like of course, that's fucking ridiculous. Like he isn't breaking down right fucking now. Yeah, he can wait until tomorrow. "Y-Yeah, of course."

Awsten is about to say goodbye but then Geoff hangs up. He's left staring at the screen, the fluorescent white light burning his eyes.

What the fuck has he just agreed to?

There is absolutely no way that this is going to end well, because him and Geoff are a disaster and there is no way to fix things. Geoff thinks he's a disaster now, but he's not even close to the catastrophic level they were together.

Awsten falls asleep with his arm stretched around a pillow, almost hugging it to his chest. Like how he used to sleep with Geoff.


	3. c'mon

"Hey!"

Geoff stands on Awsten's doorstep, his brown hair plastered to his forehead with sweat. From his awkward stance and expression, he almost looks like a kid trying to get his friend to play basketball outside with him, and it's honestly not too far off from the truth of what he's doing here.

Awsten pushes the door open, looking just as awkward. "Hi." He motions for Geoff to come on in, and he does.

The house is almost exactly as Geoff remembers it. Everything is in place, even the coffee table that he helped Awsten to pick out. Awsten notices him studying it and flushes. "It's a good table."

"Yeah. That's why I told you to buy it. If it wasn't for me you would've chosen that god-awful purple one."

"Purple is a nice color," Awsten argues. "My hair used to be purple."

"But people don't put their coffee mugs on your head." Geoff says, his anxiety weakening. This isn't as bad as he was expecting.

Awsten cracks a smile but almost immediately frowns over it. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know. I thought this was a good idea. It probably wasn't." Geoff sits on the couch and ducks his head.

Awsten sits on the opposite end, staring straight ahead. "What did you want to talk about? The weather? Because Mother Nature is being an absolute bitch, I am melting in this heat."

"Us."

"Oh yeah, of course." Awsten kicks at the carpet. It doesn't let out any of his frustration and only bruises his toe. "Fuck. What about us? Did you want to talk about how I cried every time I looked at my notifications and your name wasn't there? Or how I wanted to block you but I didn't because I thought you might finally text and I would miss it? Because we can't talk about that."

Geoff's core softens, because he wasn't the only one. He'd thought Awsten had gotten over it almost immediately. But no, they both couldn't get over it.

"Why can't we talk about it?" He leans toward the green-haired boy. "We can't just leave it like this, Awsten. You can bury it under as much shit as you want and repress every second of us, but it won't be put to rest."

"Why are you even here?" Awsten stands up and paces around the coffee table, careful to not look Geoff in the eyes. "It was put to rest just fine until you had to bring it all back. I was fucking fine."

"I wasn't."

Awsten finally turns to look at him, really look at him. Geoff's eyes are red from crying, with more tears pricking at the corners. His knees are shaking, feet knocking against the floor in a clunky rhythm.

"Geoff-"

"Don't." Geoff pulls his feet off the ground and clutches his knees to his chest. Folded into himself, he looks so small and broken and it kills Awsten, it fucking shreds him into little green shards. "I just miss everything."

"I don't want to talk about it." Or even think about it, if Awsten is being completely honest. "Just let it die off, Geoff, we were fucked. Nothing we can say can fix this. Just-" He sadly shrugs. "I'm sorry, man."

"We don't.....we don't have to talk..." Geoff grows desperate and reaches for Awsten, his fingers clutching the taller boy's shirt. He pulls him down onto the couch with him, at eye level. "I-I j-just-"

"Are yo- Geoff, no, we can't do this," Awsten protests, starting to pull himself back up. Geoff's stare is being held on his lips for a little bit too long. "That's not letting it die."

"Don't you know that the only deaths worth talking about are the ones made from explosions?" Geoff brings his mouth a little closer and Awsten doesn't move. "Let us explode, Awsten. Let us die among the stars. Just so I can kiss you one more time."

Awsten hesitates for a second too long.

It's enough time for Geoff to kiss him.

Awsten has been repressing this shit inside him for months, and Geoff's lips are a catalyst, igniting everything that he had felt for the brunette. Everything he feels now. Everything he's going to feel later.

The regret, oh God, the regret. It hasn't sunk in yet but it's on the tip of his tongue. Before it does, he's desperate to soak as much of this in as possible.

He's been starving for six months and he's finally satisfied.


	4. nervous breakdown

Awsten's lips are way more chapped than Geoff had expected.

Which perhaps, is his own fault, because it is the middle of summer and expecting him to not have dry lips is a little unreasonable. Honestly, even his own aren't as soft as he'd like. But it's just a minor detail and he files it away into the folder of things he doesn't need to think about right now. The folder is growing exponentially, as the only thing he chooses to think about is the guilt.

Why can't he just leave things alone, why does he have to come to Awsten and fuck it up?

As heavy as it weighs on his mind, he doesn't pull away, because he came here to do this and he can't take it back now. Even when his lungs are gasping, searching for a single breath of life, he still hesitates.

Awsten is the one that pulls away first.

He exhales, dropping his gaze to the floor. He steps back and presses his lips together, as if he can still taste Geoff. He probably can.

"We shouldn't have done that."

"Says who?" Geoff crosses his arms.

"Are you fucking trying to start shit? Look at what happened last time we were together. Look me in the eyes and tell me that wasn't the worst shit you've ever experienced."

Geoff knows this, and yet he doesn't quite believe it, and his voice cracks the tiniest bit as he says, "It was also the best thing I've ever experienced."

"You haven't experienced much, have you?"

"What was so bad about it, Awsten? It's not some permanent unfixable thing that we can't change, we just have to be better. If we were willing to try, it could work. We could make it work."

"You can't." Awsten's voice is almost never cold, and yet now it sounds like a blizzard is swirling around them. "You can't try and erase what fucking happened, Geoff. It's not like it was one thing that set us off, it's everything. Everything built up and it nearly killed us, and I may be heartbroken but I'm not suicidal enough to try again."

The words settle like knives into Geoff. They slice through the skin, cutting deep into his heart. "I am."

"No you're not, because you're not a fucking idiot," Awsten says, and it's the closest thing to a compliment Geoff is going to get out of him today. "Just go home, okay? Forget that I exist. Forget that we existed. It's better off that way."

"I can't. I don't know how." Geoff blinks and his lashes threaten to spill the tears he's been holding back. He's the framed image of vulnerability. He reaches for Awsten's hand and squeezes his fingers around the palm. "I need you, I need you, I fucking need you, Awsten, why are you doing this?"

Awsten doesn't have an answer and he doesn't bother to make one up. He only shakes his head sadly. "Dude, just go."

"I d-don't want t-" Geoff is shaking because he may never see his ex-boyfriend again, he's going to lose his grip on Awsten forever.

"Just fucking go!" Awsten yells louder than he intends to, and he knows it's scaring Geoff, but he doesn't apologize. "I can't fucking do this, okay? Get the fuck out." Now Geoff isn't the only one trembling. Because this once innocent conversation has taken a turn for the worse and they don't want to relive that night again.

Geoff takes in a shaky breath and leaves, finally, his feet dragging on the floor. He's fucked up. He's fucked up so horribly bad. If there was even a sliver of a chance that they would get back together, then he has just shredded that sliver into tiny fragments.

He doesn't leave entirely though. He just gets into his car, which he had parked outside, and sits there. Doesn't put the key in the ignition, or even try to turn the engine on. Just sits there, wallowing in misery.

Inside, Awsten is staring disgustedly at the coffee table. It had been fine before Geoff walked in, but now he remembers things. Like the smile on Geoff's face as they paid for it, how sometimes he would sit on it begging Awsten to pay attention to him. The slick wooden surface is now tainted.

He kicks it half-heartedly across the room. He doesn't feel anything. He kicks it straight into the wall, harsher this time.

The wood splinters.

As does Awsten's heart.


	5. contemptress

It's a goddamn miracle that Geoff hasn't driven away yet. He watches through his car window, straight into Awsten's living room window. And when the table breaks, a little piece of him breaks too. Because he's done this, he's come and ruined Awsten's day. The guilt pools in his stomach and before he knows what he's doing, he's out of the car.

He walks back to Awsten's front door, his feet on a predetermined path. He has to fix this, he can make it better, he just has to try. Because last time he didn't try, everything blew up in his fucking face.

The door is unlocked, and he pushes his way in, surprising Awsten. The green-haired boy flinches a little at the sight of his ex-boyfriend returning. But Geoff tries to stay calm, and keep Awsten from running.

"I'm sorry, Awsten. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have come here. It was dumb, okay? I'm sorry, I'll go delete your number and forget about everything. I can't force you to want me."

But something has changed in Awsten.

From the moment Geoff's name appeared on his screen, he's been sick. Sick with relief that the boy doesn't hate him and sick because he misses Geoff so bad that sometimes it makes him want to puke. And he's been trying to convince himself for the past twenty-four hours that he's cured and that he's immune to Geoff. He doesn't want this.

But dear God, he craves it immensely, with every cell in his body yearning for it.

"Fuck it. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." Awsten curses in a string of words that would be inappropriate for most television networks. "Fuck everything. Fuck this."

He pulls Geoff towards him and they're both trembling, because they know of the impending doom. But everyone's doomed in the end, so what difference does it make if they speed up the process?

Geoff falls into his arms easily, caught by his lips and it's an all out war. Fingers tangle into Awsten's bright green hair and it's painful, but he doesn't react. He presses his knuckles into the skin of Geoff's collarbone and bruises darken the surface of it. He's made his mark on Geoff.

And Geoff tries desperately to make a mark of his own, clawing at Awsten's shirt, his hair, his waist. He just wants Awsten to be his. All he's ever wanted, really, since the very beginning. Only he's never owned Awsten and never will.

Awsten owns him, and he's just a pathetic animal, lapping at the affection he receives. It's never enough. But he takes what he gets.

Geoff pulls away for a split second, lips wet with saliva and red with bruising. "Does...Does this mean-?"

Awsten nods, already desperate to feel the brunette's lips back on his own. "Yes. We can try. Fuck. I don't fucking care what the consequences are. Just fucking kiss me again."

They collide again and again, and end up on Awsten's couch, Geoff straddled on his lap. The energy has been sucked out of them and they collapse among the cushions, arms embraced tightly.

"I missed this." Geoff's voice is barely audible, heavy breaths cutting in and out of his lungs.

"Yeah. I did too."

"That night- I shouldn't have-"

Awsten's entire body goes stiff. "Don't talk about that." He drops his arms down to his sides.

Geoff blinks, sadness evident in his eyes. "Why not? I thought you wanted us."

"I do. Fuck, I want it more than anything. I want you, Geoff. But I don't want to remember." Awsten has repressed everything and he can't bear to drudge it all up now.

Because his scars run deep with poison coursing through them. In order to heal, he has to let them bleed and leak the toxic things he did. It's only going to make things worse. So he continues to suffer with ghosts trapped in his skin, because he has enough demons roaming around.

"We can't ignore it forever, dude."

Awsten doesn't respond, and pulls Geoff tightly against him. As if he's scared the boy might disappear if he blinks for too long. And he just might, if he's stubborn enough. But Awsten prays to God that the subject can drop. And it does.

Geoff grows quiet and settles in against Awsten. A million unspoken words flicker in the space between their hips. And each one of them mars Awsten's skin.


	6. time-bomb

They fall into sync. Almost like the way they were before. Texting back and forth incessantly and staying up to ungodly hours of the night. Awsten's house becomes Geoff's second home again.

Only there's certain things they can't do, or say, or even think for God's sake and it's ripping apart both of them from the inside. Don't talk about the break-up, don't talk about the girls you've fucked since then, don't talk about how terrified you are of how it's going to end.

Geoff almost hopes it will end, just to stop the anxiety pumping in his blood. As much as he wants this, he knows it's not good. It's a perfect disaster and he needs to run, now, before it spills over a second time.

While on the other hand, Awsten will do anything to keep it from ending. He grips Geoff precariously. If he holds on too tightly, he'll send the boy running. Too loose, he'll stop wanting Awsten. And Awsten needs to be wanted. He's a selfish person for loving the way Geoff screams his name as he falls off the edge.

Awsten forgets about Ciara and his promise to invite her back. It's in the way back of his mind, buried under the fresh memory of how neatly Geoff's body fits against his.

Until Geoff is on his phone and finds the text.

Ciara: can i come over tonight? ❤❤❤❤😘

"Awsten? What the hell is this?"

Geoff thumbs through the texts, his heart dropping into his stomach. No, no, no, no. Awsten can't cheat on him again. This time was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be perfect and flawless and it feels like he's being punched in the face by an old friend. Only this time there's razor blades embedded in the knuckles.

Awsten knows what Geoff is thinking, and his blood runs cold. "I swear she doesn't mean anything to me."

"How am I supposed to know if you're telling the truth?"

"I am. Geoff, I swear to you, I'm not lying. I was talking to her before." He takes Geoff's hands and squeezes them, pouring every bit of love he has into the gesture. "I don't want her. I want you."

"Prove it."

Awsten lifts Geoff's chin, and sprinkles the side of his neck with kisses. "I just-" He moves up to the brunette's jawbone. "I just want you. Nobody else. Nobody else on this fucking earth can live up to your perfection."

It's a lie and he knows it, even as the words are spoken. If Geoff is so perfect for him then it wouldn't be like this. Perfection and catastrophe exist on opposite ends of a spectrum. And they swing back and forth between the two like a motherfucking pendulum.

Geoff simply accepts the lie, though. He doesn't quite believe it, as he's still a bit shaken up. However, he lets Awsten kiss him. He needs this. This bittersweet tragedy he's enveloped himself in is all he has anymore.

Awsten texts Ciara back, with Geoff eyeing over his shoulder.

Awsten: nope. i'm back with my ex. get the fuck out of my inbox.

She doesn't text again. They're both grateful for that.

Everything is okay.

They're okay.

Everything is fine.

Until Geoff pushes him.

"Awsten." It's quiet in the house. Awsten's house, to be more specific. He's in his room, messing around with chords on a guitar when Geoff says his name.

He's in the doorway, watching. Eyes are dull, like he hasn't slept in weeks. He hasn't really though, come to think of it. Most of his hours have become occupied with Awsten.

"Can we talk about it?"

Unlike before, Geoff is saying it out of curiosity, or eagerness to get the tough subject out of the way. He looks desperate, like he's a time-bomb ready to go off because of the suppressed trauma inside.

Awsten stops in the middle of a chord, fingers halting, frozen in place. White noise covers his ears and deafens him for a second. He's numb. Surrounded by no one but him. Just him and the guitar.

And then the note plays and he comes spiraling back down to Earth. With a cyanide explosive ready to detonate in front of his fucking face.

He wants to push him away, like he always does. But Geoff's desperation cuts deep into him and digs up some sadness of his own.

He swallows, and lets himself remember that night.


	7. black dahlia

flashback // that night:

\------

Geoff is home from work early.

He shuts the door. It's too quiet in the house. Maybe Awsten isn't home? He could've sworn his car was parked outside though. It doesn't matter. It'll be nice to have some time to himself.

He steps into the hallway.

"Holy fuck, Awsten."

It's a quiet, feminine moan coming from Awsten's bedroom. No one Geoff has heard before. But he doesn't have to know the girl's identity to know exactly what she's doing with Awsten. It's not very difficult to guess, and he doesn't have to look to prove it. But because some little part of him hates himself and wants him to suffer, he's going to look anyway.

He walks down the hall, his feet feeling as if they've been dipped in concrete and left to dry. When he's finally dragged them to the doorway of Awsten's room, he pauses, and the concrete breaks off. He's free.

Now, instead of dread weighing him down, he's filled with a rage that's hot and sticky. It pours through his veins and he's on fire, he's fucking burning up. And the sight before him is the spark.

Awsten sits on the edge of his mattress, one leg crossed over the other. A casual position. As if he does this everyday, and maybe he does. Maybe Geoff's a fucking idiot for not catching on sooner.

A girl with blonde hair sits next to him, one leg over his lap, her body twisting itself around him. Awsten kisses the underside of her jaw before glancing up. His eyes change to a dull tone and he folds in on himself a little. He's been caught. And he doesn't even look that sorry.

Geoff's lungs feel like they're coated in a sticky tar-like substance. It covers them, insulating his breathing until he's choking on carbon dioxide. It blackens them and he's gasping, but nothing comes in and nothing comes out of his mouth.

Awsten stares at him across the room, eyes even and set into his face in stone. His arms are crossed over his chest protectively, even though he isn't quite sure what he's protecting himself from. Maybe his own actions.

"What the fuck, Awsten?" Geoff can barely choke the words out. "Why would you?"

The girl chooses that moment to notice him. Her face takes on the same bored look that Awsten has, as if she was expecting Geoff to barge in. Little remorse shows, only impatience. She threads her fingers through Awsten's.

"You're home early." Awsten's voice wavers a bit, but he controls it. He has to. He has to stay in control, or everything is going to go to shit. It's a skill he's learned over the years.

"No shit," Geoff spits. "What the fuck is this?"

Awsten turns to the girl, mumbling, "Grace, you should go home." Her lips turn down in a pout, but she nods and leaves the room. Neither one speaks until the front door has slammed shut.

"Grace? Her name is fucking Grace? Nice to know you cheated on me with a girl straight out of the goddamn Bible." Geoff is dripping with anger now. "What, did she sing Amazing Grace to you as you fucked her? Oh, I'm sorry, she would've sung it, but then I got home. Sorry to interrupt you."

"Sorry?" Awsten stands up, cornering Geoff against the wall. "I'm sorry, I don't fucking get it. I don't think you're apologizing for the correct thing"

"What the fuck do I need to apologize for?" Geoff's eyes light with fire and he shoves Awsten.

Get the fuck away from me fucking bastard how could you why everything hurts.

Awsten staggers backwards. "If you weren't a shitty boyfriend, I wouldn't need Grace."

"Why am I such a shitty boyfriend?" Geoff chokes out, feeling his insides disintegrate. "I fucking put everything I had into you. You can't just tell me that it wasn't enough, it was more than enough."

"No it wasn't!" Awsten bites back, and he corners Geoff again. This time Geoff is shaking, because he can see the violent outburst coming on. It flickers in Awsten's eyes, and he punches the wall next to Geoff.

"Awsten!" Geoff yells, because that's an expensive fucking paint job, what the hell is he doing? He yells again, because Awsten doesn't respond. "Awsten! Why don't you like me? What did I ever do to you?"

Up close, Geoff notices that Awsten's eyes are wet. Awsten notices this at the same time and closes his eyes, steeling himself clear of his muddled emotions. "Nothing, Geoff. You didn't do fucking anything for me. I'm just fucking hollow." He opens his eyes and gives the smaller boy a hard push against the wall.

Geoff wheezes for air, but Awsten doesn't apologize. He has nothing left to say.


	8. smoke

flashback // that night [continued]

\------

Geoff doesn't know when he picks himself off the wall. For awhile, he can't bear to move. He clings there, frozen, eyes bright with terror. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, and Awsten is the car. He's a fast, vicious, blur that should be slowing down but isn't going to anytime soon, and they collide.

Awsten clings the fabric of Geoff's shirt, tugging at it, until he has the brunette exactly where he wants him. "I'm hollow, Geoff, I can't feel anything," He whines, letting his anger dissolve for a moment.

"Neither can I," Geoff responds in a cracked whisper. He's terrified. In Awsten's quest to fill his soul, he's only emptied Geoff's. Now they're both void and desperate. "Go back to Grace."

"No!"

"Let me go!" Geoff is trapped, Awsten's hands holding him there. He can't pull himself away. "I'm done, Awsten."

"Done with what?" Awsten retracts his hands reluctantly. "Us? You can't be done with us."

"You said I was a shitty boyfriend. Now you look like you're restraining yourself from making out with me. Fucking choose one, you don't get both." Awsten opens his mouth and Geoff cuts him off. "No. You chose when you got with Grace. Now, I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Fuck you." Geoff gives Awsten one single nod of acknowledgement and turns to the doorway.

It's so close, barely an arms reach away. He brushes the doorknob and suddenly Awsten is pulling him back, and he's dizzy again. The room tilts as an explosion ignites behind his eyes. A migraine coming on. And Awsten against him, lips locked, pleading in the only way that he knows how.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, Geoff, fuck-" Awsten whispers in between sticky kisses. "Don't leave me, you can't. I'm not good enough for anyone else."

Geoff feels trapped. His lips are pulled in by Awsten's, and he can't focus, can't fucking think about anything. The anger still sits in his chest, and it's thick and vicious and he wants to rip Awsten apart with it. But on the other hand, it's so easy to stand here and kiss Awsten and pretend nothing just happened. Too easy to lapse into the same monotonous routine.

Geoff shoves Awsten away. It's so quick that he doesn't even notice what he's done at first, but then a hurt look covers Awsten's facial features and his hands ache from the sudden reflex.

"Why'd you do that, Geoff?" Awsten's voice is choked with tears and he bleeds sadness and betrayal. He wants sympathy. He wants to fill himself with it until he bursts because he didn't mean for this to happen. He didn't mean for Grace to happen, and he sure as hell didn't intend for Geoff to find out. But it still leads back to him, and he's a selfish bastard who wants to be pitied for his own destruction.

Geoff finds himself tipping, and he steels himself away from focusing on Awsten's tears. Fuck sympathy. "I don't know why I did it. But I'm fucking glad I did." He darts for the door before Awsten can come after him again, before he can be seduced back with empty promises and hollow gestures.

But Awsten doesn't follow, instead falling back onto the bed. Every word that was spoken into the atmosphere is now swirling around his head and it makes its way into his rib-cage and he's choking on black smoke. He's suffering the consequences of his own mistakes and it's killing him, but what kind of person is he if he can't take what he deals out?

Outside, on the street, Geoff sits in his car, key in the ignition, foot on the pedal. He wants nothing more then to go home, but some sick part of him wants to stay here. He could. He could make-up with Awsten and everything could go back to normal. He could be curled up on that bed next to Awsten, bodies intertwined in the way that only theirs can fit together.

If only he had any idea what he could possibly fucking say.

He presses the gas pedal and leaves Awsten's house without looking back.


	9. tantrum

The smoke clears away from Awsten's mind and he lets out a sigh. "Fine. We're talking about it. If that's what you really want." It's at the forefront of his mind now, and he can't go back.

A bit of the tension fades from Geoff. He tentatively sits on the bed next to Geoff, body curled into himself. His eyes fixate on the carpet, as he fears that if he looks Awsten in the eyes, he won't recognize his boyfriend.

"What do you want me to say?" Awsten prods him. "You have to be a little more specific."

"I don't know!" Geoff raises his voice above a normal tone, and the intensity shocks both of them. He wasn't expecting Awsten to agree, so he didn't map out the conversation beforehand. He doesn't even know why he wants to talk about it. It's just that it feels like if he doesn't, it will eat away at him from the inside. It already is, a parasite gnawing at his bone tissue.

Awsten mumbles, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Geoff looks up at him for a second, and Awsten glimpses blue irises before he turns back to the floor.

"Everything. I'm sorry I cheated on you. I'm sorry I said you were a shitty boyfriend. I'm fucking sorry."

"Sorry doesn't fix things, Awsten."

"Who said we were trying to fix things? I thought it was behind us. Are you telling me we're still fucking broken? Even when you can't get your hands off me?" Awsten's eyes gleam with disgust. "You can't get enough of how fucked up I am, right?"

"No- Awsten that's not it." Geoff's arms pull tighter against his chest, and he becomes even smaller. "We're not broken. We're just. . ." He trails off and bites down on his tongue. "We're just us and we don't work together."

"What the fuck do you mean we don't work together? We work just fine." Awsten reaches for his hand now, to demonstrate how perfectly they fit. Geoff's fingers are just the right size, curling around Awsten's knuckles. The universe made them specifically for each other. How dare Geoff say they don't work?

Geoff pulls his hand back, skin crawling. He feels sick, like physically nauseous in his stomach. He doesn't like doing this. He'd give anything to press his head against Awsten's shoulders and surrender himself. But he'll get even sicker if he stays.

"It's ruining me, Awsten. You're ruining me. And I'm probably destroying you at the same time. This isn't healthy."

"You could never hurt me." Awsten rubs at his eyes, tears forming. He wipes them away before Geoff can see. "We need each other, Geoff. We can't function with anyone else. Just us." He brushes his shoulder against the quivering boy. "It should always be us and no one else."

Menace leaks into his voice, and Geoff freezes stone-cold. No escape plan for him. He's trapped here, he should run, he needs to get the hell out of here. Then Awsten's voice softens again and Geoff finds himself still on the bed, fingers threaded through the sheets.

"I need out, Awsten."

"You're the one that showed up on my doorstep after six months." Awsten persists, pushing the blame onto him. "You brought us together again. You can't let it go now."

"I need to let it go." Geoff begs, anxiety welling in his blood and clotting. "I'm terrified, Awsten. I'm scared you're going to cheat on me again. I'm scared you're going to tell me things that will take months to get out of my fucking head. I'm scared of you."

Awsten falters.

"You can't be."

He blinks, eyes widened. Portraying the perfect picture of innocence, because how could anyone ever be scared of Awsten Knight? He could never even hurt a fly. He believes he's perfectly safe for Geoff. Which is the most dangerous thing.

"I can't live without you Geoff."

Geoff's shoulders shake. He's in disbelief that Awsten's voice is still calm and steady. By now, he'd have thought that he would be fuming and knee-deep in another violent outburst. But he stares at Geoff through his lashes, softened where there should be edges.

"Yes you can, Awsten. It may be really difficult, but it's better than this. Trust me. Please."

"I can't." Awsten shakes his head slowly, a smile playing at his lips. A metallic click sounds and Geoff doesn't have to look down to know that there's a gun in Awsten's hand.


	10. Chapter 10

Geoff's first instinct is to run. He slides off the mattress and his feet stumble backwards. The back of his head slams into the wall and he winces, pain shooting to his skull. But he isn't Awsten's target.

Instead, the green-haired boy cocks the weapon and puts it to his own head.

"Awsten!" Geoff yells and runs to him. His fingers tangle with Awsten's in a desperate attempt to take the gun away. One of his thumbs brushes the trigger and he realizes that if he isn't careful, he'll end up killing Awsten himself.

He drops his hands and instead places them on Awsten's shoulders. "Put the gun down. Put the mother-fucking gun down." He doesn't receive a response and keeps talking, eyes locked. "We can talk about this."

Awsten stares back, the metal barrel still pressed to his head, hand steady. "We did talk about it. And you said you were going to leave me. So go ahead. Walk out that fucking door. And as soon as you drive off, I'll blow my fucking brains out."

It's eerie how his voice remains as calm as ever. He's made peace with the Earth a long time ago. Good fucking riddance to it. He has nothing left except for Geoff. And if he were to lose him too, he'd quite possibly be dead inside.

So of course, because Awsten's a bit of a perfectionist, he's going to make sure he's dead on the outside too.

A dead body and a dead relationship. Both of which will weigh heavily on Geoff's shoulders, but Awsten doesn't stop to consider the consequences of his actions. His index finger strains on the trigger. Temptation nearly overtakes him to do it right then.

Geoff catches the look in his eyes and slaps Awsten's arm. The gun drops from his loosened grip. Before Awsten can retrieve it, Geoff grabs it and throws it into the hallway. He closes the door and stands in front of it.

Now it's just them. No weapons. But then again, they've never needed weapons to destroy each other. Words have worked just fine.

And now Awsten picks his ammunition carefully. The perfect combination of syllables with the right tone of delivery can be just as deadly as a bullet if aimed carefully.

"Give me the gun, Geoff." Arms cross over his chest. "Give me the fucking gun and no one gets hurt."

"That's a lie. You're going to get hurt."

"I've already been hurt! You think a bullet is going to hurt me? It won't hurt as much as you trying to leave me." Awsten grabs Geoff's arm, starting to yank him away from the door.

Desperate, Geoff begs, pulling his arm back. "I won't leave you. I won't. I don't want to. I'll stay with you forever." He would actually stay, if it means Awsten would return to normal. The version of him where he loves Geoff and would give up anything for him, that's who Geoff is in love with. But this version is a complete stranger.

Unbeknownst to him, they are simply two sides of the same coin.

Awsten shoves him aside and fumbles with the doorknob. His hands are sweaty with desperation and anxiety, but he finally gets it open. He reaches for the gun, but Geoff gets it first.

Only this time he doesn't throw it out of reach.

Instead he lifts it to his own head.

His fingers are much less steady then Awsten's were, slick with sweat and trembling like there's an earthquake under them. But he forces his arm to stay up and looks Awsten dead in the eyes.

He clicks the safety off. Something Awsten had neglected to do.

Awsten has given up fighting for it and now stares, wide eyed. "Geoff- Give it back."

"No!" Geoff closes his eyes and relishes in the feeling of metal against his skin. It's cold, compared to his burning flesh underneath. "You want to end your life? Okay? But first I'm ending mine."

"You can't do that!" Awsten lunges forward and Geoff doesn't budge.

"Watch this, Awsten. Watch me pull the fucking trigger. I hope you like the feeling of blood on your hands. Because it's both of our faults. I told you we were bad for each other. But I never thought we'd fucking kill each other."

A single shot rings out and Geoff's body crumples to the floor.

Bile rises in Awsten's throat and he's choking back tears. But he doesn't deserve to mourn. He swallows and picks the gun out of Geoff's limp grip.

Til death do us part.

Bang.


End file.
